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When Life Takes Many Unexpected Turns

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Children are dreamers. They have a mind filled with ideas and a huge imagination to go along with it. They grow up wanting to have and be so many different things. They go from wanting to be a teacher, to a doctor, to a firefighter, and everything else under the sun all in one day. Being a young child, makes all these things seem well within reach. But as a child one thing we often don’t consider, is the unexpectedness of life that gets in the way of the future playing out exactly as we imagined.

When I was 24 years old my father passed away from stage 4 cancer. The doctor told us he had 2 months to live a few days after Thanksgiving. This came as a surprise not only because it was right after the holiday, but because my father had been living with cancer for years and it seemed to be under control. Learning that my father was dying, was tough to deal with because my relationship with my father was quite special and I was still very young. I had never imagined my father dying in my 20’s and in my mind we still had so much more life to live together.

My father and I were deeply connected. He was the person I was more connected to than anyone else in life. As a child I remember walking by his room and thinking of how good he was to me and that alone brought me to tears. He was the person who I always relied on during my most painful moments and he prayed for me through my troubles. I always remember the power behind his prayers, as it was always so moving yet calming, and inspired me to have faith. My father was also my sole parent from age 9 to 17, so for much of my childhood it was just him and I.

The year he passed away was also the same year I was planning on getting my bachelors degree and beginning my career. At the time I was not sure what I wanted to do in life, just that I deeply wanted to help people in some way, which was a passion I got from my father. The weeks before my father’s imminent passing, I recall thinking (amongst many other things) dang, my dad won’t see me graduate college? Which to me was yet another experience that I would not have in this lifetime.

At this point I had gotten used to life’s disappointments (or so I thought) but they still hurt.

Along with my father not seeing me graduate, I thought of everything else he and I wouldn’t be able to experience due to his passing. He would miss out on seeing me getting married, he would miss out on meeting and grandfathering my children, and he wouldn’t see my future success. Growing up I had already missed out on many common childhood experiences in part because I did not have a mother around. I didn’t get the mother daughter connection, the mother daughter conversations, and even the mother daughter quarrels. 

Not growing up with a mother was unexpected and difficult to come to terms with, yet I had in mind that because of this early childhood hardship, life wouldn’t throw me many more curveballs. I figured it should be smooth sailing from here on out. This idea came from the innocent belief that life was somewhat fair, so if you had a hard childhood, you’d have an easier adulthood.

But I learned early on that this was not always the case. Life isn’t always somewhat fair even if you’ve had plenty of hardships. As a teenager that had proven to be true, but I had yet to truly figure that out, or perhaps truly accept it. The hopefulness that children have for life, still dwelled within me.

Having this mind and spirit that was full of possibilities and opportunities, meant that I had a lot of ideas for the future in mind. I was going to get everything I wanted, just the way I wanted. There was no other way.

So one day at 17 years old, I was sitting down on my bedroom floor, thinking just that. The tv was on but I wasn’t really paying attention. I was too caught up daydreaming. I had just returned from school, and was engaging in my day to day routine of sitting alone on my bedroom floor, imagining my future the way I wanted it, as I often did. At this age, I loved to listen to music and daydream. It was a form of escape. If I couldn’t have everything I wanted in the real world, at least I could have it in my daydreams.

On this particular day, I was thinking about my wedding. I imagined myself walking down the aisle in my white dress, and thinking of all the people that would be there watching me. My future husband of course. My dad especially, but not my mother. This was the time in my life, when I didn’t really have a relationship with my mother. So I imagined she wouldn’t be there. My daydreaming at this age was more realistic and mature, so I took into consideration the things I didn’t have. My mother not being at my wedding was a missing piece of my life, I had come to accept. My father being at my wedding seemed like a given at that time though. Of course he would be there, because why wouldn’t he be? He’s always there.

My lack of understanding or accepting the unexpectedness of life, lead me to believe that without a doubt my father would be at my wedding. Little did I know, my father unfortunately wouldn’t make it to meet a future boyfriend, let alone attend my wedding day. This was something that was very unexpected for me, as I had never imagined my early adulthood starting out like this.

Being so young and already having experienced so many ups and downs in life, began to make me feel unsettled, as I never knew what was coming next. I also dealt with the questions centered around why. Why is this is happening to me? Why does it seem like all of these hard things are happening to me, but not other people around me? Why isn’t it fair?

I know there are many people that find themselves in similar situations to mine and ask themselves similar questions. There are times in life, when not only do one or two big unexpected events happen, but it seems like they don’t stop happening. It’s one after the other, and it completely changes the vision you have for your future.

So as I reflect on all of the unexpected happenings in my life, I think of the many others who find themselves in a similar place. I think of the others in my life such as my family members and friends, who had an idea in mind for their future but it turned out much different than they expected.

Whether it was a career that did not go as planned, the loss of family members, or children who went astray, there are many people dealing with the unexpected events of life. Realizing it’s not just me, makes me feel less alone within my experience, but it also inspires me to see my life in a different way and guide others through their own experiences. 

In these situations, there are different paths a person can take. I do not have the perfect solution or all the best answers for exactly how one should react, and what they should do. But I can offer insight based on my own learnings in dealing with the unexpected.

First and foremost I have learned, to always remember you have a choice in how you proceed in life. You can allow what happened to you in your life, to stop you in your tracks. No more happiness. No more joy. Just existing. It’s important to remember that this is not something that happens on its own, but it’s something you choose to do. This could mean staying in a dissatisfying career, or deciding not to fulfill your dreams for life. It could also look like staying in the same place (physically, emotionally or mentally) for years despite feeling like you should no longer be there. This is an option that won’t move you forward.

At different points in my life I chose to take the option that would not move me forward because I was so taken aback and frustrated by the many unexpected turns my life had taken. It seemed like I could not catch a break. I justified going down that path because it seemed like nothing was going the way I imagined. I never imagined that I would grow up without a mom for a large portion of my childhood, and I never thought the man who raised me as a single father would die when I was 24. All of these things (and more) led me to give up on life’s possibilities.

But there was a turning point in my life. There was a moment I realized that there was still so much for me to do in this life. I was still alive, young, and there was so much of life I hadn’t experienced yet. Why would I rob myself of those experiences? I was still here for a reason and a purpose. This change in thinking, encouraged me to change paths, which meant making a different choice. I made a choice that I would still have a great life because I realized I deserved it. I thought about the young child I once was, and everything she wanted out of life and I realized that I could still give myself those things, and I should give myself those things. Even if this life was not the exact life I wanted or expected as a kid, it didn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. 

The latter option I chose, is an option anyone can choose. This is the option that moves you forward. This option means keeping your heart open to all of the possibilities life still has to offer. It means accepting what has happened to you in life and the fact that there will be certain things you won’t experience because of those happenings. You may never get to see your father at your wedding. Or have a relationship with your mother. These types of circumstances are all very difficult parts of life that are hard to come to terms with and may likely take time to fully accept. But the key is understanding that you can make peace with not having these things.

Making peace with not having certain things, doesn’t mean you won’t miss the people or the things you don’t have. But you accept it and allow yourself to still feel joy, contentment, happiness, and peace regardless of what is missing in your life. So in the end, you still choose to pursue the career you’ve always wanted, have children, explore the world, and do whatever else you desire.

You don’t have to allow the many unexpected curveballs in life to stop you from achieving, even when it seems like those curveballs are being thrown back to back. You should make the most out of the life you have and in the process of doing that, never forget the child you were. Remember those innocent ideas, the big imagination and the hopefulness. Remember the happiness and the joy you always wanted, and give yourself that.

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Motherless Daughters

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There is no one way to be a motherless daughter. It is an experience based on how a woman or a girl perceives her relationship with her mother. Some women and girls may consider themselves motherless if they didn’t grow up with their mother. For others, it could be because they have a complicated or unhealthy relationship with theirs. And for still others, it’s because their mother passed away.

Being a motherless daughter for any reason, and for any period of time, is an interesting experience. I use the word interesting because of the significant impact being a motherless daughter can have on someone’s life. To fully understand the unique experience of motherless daughters, you have to take into account the experience of being a woman and a girl in this world, as that is a unique experience in and of itself.

The way you grow up as a girl, the way you’re seen and treated, is different from boys and men. People perceive you in many false ways and being weaker is one of them. Not only may they perceive you as weaker but they may treat you as such. You may often hear people saying things like “you won’t be good at that because you’re a girl” or something similar to that. These types of false perceptions and unfair ways of being treated cause many girls to struggle with realizing their full potential. 

Women and girls not only deal with false perceptions but they face more pressure to look and act in particular ways. People tend to have this idea that girls should always look polished and behave perfectly. There’s very little room for mistakes in a girl’s world. Growing up without a woman to guide you through these experiences can heighten them and make you feel alone within them.

Having been a motherless daughter for a period of time, I have quite a few experiences that came about in part from not having a mother around. In particular, I recall growing up and always feeling like I had to have my hair done. I never felt like I could go to school without it in a style. Growing up as a Black girl in the early 2000’s meant you could not leave the house without either straight hair, a weave, or braids. Wearing your natural coils was not considered a suitable style. Not having a mother to pour into me and make me feel beautiful with my coily hair regardless of society’s pressure and ideals made it more difficult for me to be happy with my hair.

For many girls, their mother not only pours into them to block out the world’s perceptions and pressures but she is their primary source of leadership. Someone is treating you differently because you’re a girl? She’s there, she’ll tell you just how to handle it. You’re confused about how to deal with puberty? She’s there and she’s been through it, she’ll help you figure it out. You need someone to do your hair or teach you how to do it? She’s there, she’ll do it and teach you during the process. 

So when a girl has to navigate this world without a mother, how do they do it? Who do motherless daughters look up to? Who do they look to when they are discriminated against? Who do they look to in order to tell them how they should look after themselves and handle things like periods and hormonal changes?

In my experience, I had to navigate these situations somewhat alone. Even though I had an older sister (who I cannot forget and am forever grateful for) it was still hard. My older sister helped guide me through life as a girl but she was my sister and was learning life on her own as well. She was not my mother so she could not be everything I needed, nor should she have been because that was not her role.

So being somewhat alone in these types of situations lead to wishful thinking and many awkward experiences. For instance, I would imagine how nice it would be to have a mother who I could try out different hairstyles with, or who could do my hair last minute if I needed it. But that was not my reality. Not having a mother who could do my hair meant every other weekend going to a hairstylist to get my hair done. Instead of having someone do my hair who I felt close with and trusted, I was sometimes in uncomfortable places with people I didn’t know.

There were also instances when I really just wanted a mother’s love, attention, and affection. I just wanted a mother who I could go to and tell her about my days at school, who I could go to for advice, and receive their love during difficult moments.

So it’s the little experiences and big experiences that stick out to you when you don’t have a mother. All the things that could be but aren’t. 

These perceptions, pressures, and the lack of guidance and help from a mother are only some of the many difficulties and complexities that come about from being a motherless daughter. These issues are things that people with mothers may never even think about because the alternative doesn’t occur to them. As a result, the hardships motherless daughters face are unknown by many with mothers.

So to offer support, I encourage people to consider the motherless daughters around them. Consider the young girl who only lives with her father. Consider the girls and women who do not have good relationships with their mother. And consider the girl or woman who lost hers. 

Think of the ways you can give your love and time to them. It could be based on something you’ve gone through yourself or a skill you have. It could look like teaching them how to deal with the changes of growing up or how to do their own hair. Or it could be guiding them through the perceptions and pressures they face growing up as a girl and being a woman in this world. 

And even if you feel like you have nothing to offer, it doesn’t mean you can’t support them. You’d be surprised at the ways motherless daughters are looking for support that you may be able to provide. You should not hesitate to ask them how you can support them so they can receive help in the ways they need.

Whatever you can do, you should do, because for many girls and women it would mean the world to have someone help fill in the pieces they are missing without having a mother around.

For my dear readers who are motherless daughters, what is something you would like people to know about your experience, and in what ways can people best give their support? 

And to my curious readers who came across this article to learn more about motherless daughters and ways to offer support: I appreciate your time and consideration to be willing to learn about an experience unfamiliar to your own. It is people like you who seek to understand and support those with different experiences from their own who make a difference in our world. So I thank you.

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Losing a Parent at a Young Age

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When people have not experienced losing a parent at a young age, there’s a lot about that kind of grief that they don’t understand.

They don’t understand that the grief is something you live with everyday, every month & every year.

It’s not just the initial heartbreaking moments, but it’s having to deal with constantly seeing so many other young people with dads & moms when you lost yours.

It’s having to wrestle with the fact that you’ll never see your parent again every Mother’s Day or every Father’s Day.

It’s the pain that hits you in the chest every time you hear the word mom or dad.

Or, whenever you hear other people talking about their parents.

It’s having to deal with the random memories that hit you throughout the day, when you’re able to remember them so clearly.

It’s having to face their absence every time you walk by their bedroom, or feeling the loss of their presence whenever you do something that you used to do together.

It’s not having them see all of your big accomplishments like graduating college, or creating a family, while everyone else’s parents gets to see theirs.

And instead, having to imagine how proud they would be of you for all you accomplished.

It’s your kids never having a grandparent, or your spouse never meeting your parent.

It’s not having that person in your life who would defend and fight for you against anybody, regardless of the time, day or place.

It’s having to experience so many moments on your own.

It’s losing someone who loved you more than even you could comprehend and someone who always saw you in the best light.

It’s losing the person who was most proud of you.

It’s losing your best cheerleader.

It’s losing the person who would do anything for you, and believed you could reach your goals more than anyone.

It’s hearing music that reminds you of them, and instantly being brought to tears.

It’s treasuring pictures and videos of them, and holding on to their smiles and laughs.

It’s spending days thinking back on and reliving all of the moments you spent together.

It’s trying to explain who they were to people who never knew them, but realizing there are no words that would truly capture the essence of their being.

It’s feeling like something was taken from you so unfairly and so untimely.

It’s having to deal with the fact that you have so much more life to live without them.

And have to endure so many more moments of pain because of that.

The grief you deal with from losing a parent at a young age, is an all the time, random moments, everyday thing, for the rest of your life.

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The Reality of Our Dreams

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Many of us like to imagine having a life that we don’t have.

We like to imagine having luxury cars, nice houses, and being in a certain career or relationship.

We imagine that when we get those things it’ll make us so happy, and the dreaminess of it all won’t ever fade.

But the reality is different. If you get that life, it’ll become normal to you like the life you have now is normal to you.

You’ll get used to the luxury cars and nice houses, and the dream career.

And the same thing goes for imagining a dream man or woman.

If you do get that dream person, eventually they’ll become normal to you, like the people in your life now are normal to you.

You’ll begin to see them in a natural way, the way you see everyone else in your life.

The dreaminess of it all will gradually fade.

Which is why you can’t bank on those dreams to be the thing that’ll make you happy. Because eventually those dreams become normal, and what will make you happy then?

How will you find happiness, once you’ve received everything you thought would make you happy?

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Be Real

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Being realistic about life, is very important.

It’s one thing to want things, to have goals, and to want to go places in life.

But it’s something completely different to have a well thought out plan, and to be willing to take the necessary steps to carry out that plan.

I’m very much a dreamer so it’s easy for me to get caught up in “la la land” and want everything to come to me.

I can spend hours imagining my ideal life and wishing everything I desire would just fall into my lap.

But the reality is, that’s not life & it will never be that way.

The majority of people who have what they want, have gone after it, & the rest of us have to do the same.

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First job

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Years ago, I got my first official job. I had wanted a job for a long time, but I mainly stuck to babysitting gigs and the like.

I had a lot of anxiety around getting a job, because of all the responsibilities I would be assigned.

I didn’t know whether or not I would be able to meet all of those expectations, so I kept pushing it off.

But eventually I got a job, and in the beginning it was a very interesting experience.

Let’s just say, after the first week I already wanted to quit. I felt overwhelmed and anxious, because I felt like I couldn’t complete the tasks well.

And despite people telling me that I was doing okay, I still felt insecure about my capabilities.

I didn’t like the structure and environment of the job either, so that didn’t make things any better.

The day I decided I was going to quit, I spoke to my manager and she told me two things.

One, that it is natural to be uncomfortable in the beginning, and that I would eventually get the hang of it.

And two, she told me to give it at least another week to see if my feelings would change.

At first, I was hesitant to do so because I felt like I already hated the job so much, so I didn’t think anything was really going to change.

But I reluctantly decided to stay anyway.

And surprisingly, making the decision to stay at my job another week, was something that helped me grow and learn tremendously in the long run.

For one, I learned that you have to give things time, even when they’re hard.

It’s natural for us to want to quit when things are hard because it’s uncomfortable, but you have to give yourself a chance to get used to new things & to get comfortable with them.

Second, I learned that things do get better even when you can’t see it.

Initially, I could not see my job getting better at all. There were so many things I felt I was bad at, and I hated feeling like I was failing.

But, when I stayed, I realized the job was not as bad as it seemed like it was in the first few weeks, and I was able to get the hang of a lot of things.

And third, I learned how to take on job responsibilities and meet those expectations that I was scared I wouldn’t be able to meet.

A lot of times we don’t do things out of fear that we won’t meet certain expectations. We don’t want to get embarrassed, we fear rebuke, and we don’t want to feel bad about ourselves.

But in order to grow, you must accept new responsibilities and learn how to meet reasonable expectations, which is what I ended up being able to do as time went on.

Ultimately, learning these things not only helped me throughout my job, but it helped me throughout life.

I now apply these lessons and the many other lessons I learned at that job, to my everyday life, and I consider them whenever I get discouraged about my capabilities.

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Why I Was Drained by People

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At a certain point in my life, I found myself constantly being drained by people.

Interacting with them felt like a chore and I could not figure out why. I blamed it on people initially and just thought people were draining so they naturally drained me.

But I soon realized I was draining myself in a lot of situations because I was forcing things.

I would try so hard to appear a certain way which felt unnatural. It led me to feeling out of it & detached from myself after interactions. I realized I was going beyond myself and being fake.

I was using up unnecessary energy when I could just be natural.

A Word of Wisdom: People are just people. We do not have to allow them to take anything from us, even our energy.

Furthermore, I had a warped view of people, that influenced me to put on an act.

I saw certain people as being above me.

If I thought someone was above me, I felt I had to show that I was deserving of their time and attention.

This led me to overdoing things and faking my feelings and emotions.

I now realize that no one is above me. I do not have to allow anyone to take my energy and I don’t have to unnecessarily give my energy to anyone.

I do not have to prove myself to anyone, and behaving in a fake way, will not leave me with anything but no energy.

Who I am is enough, and I do not need to force laughter and smiles to maintain friendships.

I can just be, and knowing and accepting that, is so freeing.

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Why Families Lack Motivation

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Motivation is something we all need. To pursue our passions, our dreams. We need to be motivated to do so.

We think of individuals being motivated in their own ways and for different reasons. But we don’t always consider motivation in families.

We don’t consider why in some families almost everyone reaches a level of success in their lives, but in other families everyone pretty much remains stagnant.

In these instances, it’s not just one individual in the family that lacks motivation, but the entire family does as well.

This lack of motivation can happen for a number of reasons, and one of them is because of influence. When you live in a household with other people, you all influence one another. The influence may not be always be obvious, but it is still occurring.

Influence happens because people look to others to see what they should and should not be doing. Even when they shouldn’t.

As families we tend to do the same, so we copy and follow one another as a result. We participate in the same activities, we watch each other, we like the same things, so we become heavily influenced to engage in similar behaviors, good and bad.

Once we start being influenced by people it becomes easy to copy them without even thinking about why.

So when you see people around you working at jobs they don’t like, you’ll likely do the same.

When people around you don’t show ambition it will influence you to not be ambitious either. When you see people settling, it’ll make you feel okay with settling too. 

As a family its easy to get lost in our everyday lives & not look at our lives from the outside. We don’t realize how unmotivated we are because we get used to the same old same old, and continue to go on doing those things.

When we see the reality of many people’s lives in our family, we also take on their feelings about life which can further contribute to a lack of motivation.

Education

Moreover, the education a family receives impacts their motivation as well.

When we aren’t well educated that may make us insecure about our capabilities. So instead of challenging ourselves & risking embarrassment, we decide to do what comes easy for us.   

If it’s what everyone in our family has done and is doing, we will likely follow in those footsteps.

Challenging People

In order to be motivated we also need people to challenge us in our lives. Not all of us grow up in families that challenge one another. If we are not challenged we won’t see the need to move further up in life or even know it’s a possibility. 

We reach for what we see others reaching for around us because that’s all we know. 

Embarrassment

Furthermore, fear of embarrassment or being shamed by others around us causes us to lack motivation as well. If we try to do something that people around us don’t do we may fear what they’ll think of us, so we don’t even make an attempt to do things differently.

We see ourselves as those around us see us.

Conversations

Motivation also comes from our conversations. Do we uplift one another with our words? 

If you grow up in family that talks about how you are incapable of being successful, it will influence you to see yourself in that way. You will only see the things you do bad, and not the things you do good.

My Household

In my case, I grew up in a household that was not very strict on education. This was not a bad thing completely, but it made it harder for me to want to do my school work because no one in my household really held me accountable for it.

So that influenced me to not really take school seriously.

As I got older it was hard for me in college because I wasn’t used to structure when it came to school. I also did not have much motivation to go to college & complete it because no one around me really pushed me.

These aspects of my life impacted my overall motivation to pursue my passions.

How to Motivate Each Other

So motivation not only comes from within, but it also comes from the people we are around. We all influence one another by our actions which is why it’s important to be aware of ourselves.

It’s important to realize that in a family dynamic there will be a lot of following one another & each other’s paths.

To see a change in our families, we need to start challenging our family members in every area of their lives & allowing our family members to challenge us.

If we see our family members slacking off too much, encourage them to be more disciplined.

If we notice someone has a gift that they are not pursuing, help them realize that, and assist them on their journey to pursuing it.

We also need to motivate one another to go further in life & seek out our passions.

It’s not just movie stars and musicians who can do significant things, any of us can.

We need to encourage our family members to seek out an education as well, and to be ambitious while doing so.

An education gives people the knowledge they need, to pursue their passions.

It’s also important to uplift our family by using encouraging words, so they know they not only realize their capabilities, but go after what they want as well.

It’s so important that we need motivate our family by highlighting their strengths, and encouraging them to work hard to get to where they want to be. We should also strive to be an example for them by working hard to reach our own goals and going after our own passions.

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Controlling People

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Why I Had A Hard Time Liking People

So many people talk about how they hate people or don’t like people, and I used to think in a similar way.

The reason I was that way (and why I suspect a lot of other people are that way), had to do with the fact that I was constantly trying to control people. So there was always an internal conflict going on whenever I interacted with them.

I didn’t like the way someone reacted to what I said, I didn’t like the fact that they disagreed with me, I felt like they didn’t understand me exc.

And, I wanted them to see me how I felt they should see me.

I wanted them to be impressed by me, and think I was cool.

So I’d get frustrated with people because they never acted how I wanted them to, or believed they should.

And they didn’t know the things I thought they should (and I didn’t have the patience to teach them).

So instead of actually interacting & engaging with people, I’d just sit at home and daydream, and imagine people the way I wanted them to be.

Or, I’d watch movies or read books and live through that, because that fit more into my idea of how I wanted people to be.

Acceptance

When I began to accept that people are who they are regardless of who you want them to be, or who you believe they should be, it allowed me to enjoy people more.

I began to take myself off that God-like pedestal and realized people are enough.

Not everything and everyone has to be what I consider perfect, because I’m not that either.

Sometimes we think we are so smart and so good, that we can’t even see outside of ourselves.

And it’s funny, because a lot of us pride ourselves on being empathetic but at the same time we can’t stand to be around other people.

We judge people all the time and are so critical and impatient with others.

The Reality

But, there’s really no need to try to control people because that’s not our job. We are not Gods and people are not our creations.

We have to learn to be patient with people and see people the way we want to be seen.

The “I hate people” thing primarily comes from a place of wanting to control people and our frustration with our lack of control over people.

When you try to control people it exhausts you, and oftentimes does not work.

So ultimately, we have to begin to move past that notion so we can grow strong bonds with one another, outside of the principle of control.

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jealousy

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Jealousy is a natural emotion that many of us feel from time to time. It’s heavily looked down upon, which is why it’s not talked about or acknowledged enough. We may be jealous of people we don’t know, but see through social media, or family and friends.

Jealousy is not just displayed in grand ways, it’s the little moments too. It can be a forced smile after a friend told you they got a well-paying job while you’re living paycheck to paycheck. Or it’s the little pang you feel in your chest that you mentally tell yourself is wrong, or that you mentally deny feeling at all.

But why is that a big deal? Why does jealousy need to be acknowledged if it can be denied?

Because jealousy impacts our connection to ourselves and to others. It causes us to feel shame and it leads us to hiding our true emotions and feelings.

Have you ever had a friend that made you feel inferior, and you never got why? That may have been jealousy. They never said it because it’s wrong, but they still felt how they felt, and it impacted your relationship.

So yes, jealousy is wrong, but it’s natural. You first have to be honest with yourself about the jealousy you feel, and then you can begin to move away from the emotion. You have to accept that you’re human and a part of being human is experiencing human emotions, and jealousy is one of them. You don’t need to shame yourself for it, but instead acknowledge it and work through those emotions in the moment.

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Think About It

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Am I the only one who constantly finds myself going over the same problems in my head? It’s like my brain doesn’t want to let go of them.

I find myself constantly thinking about the same issue, because either I feel like I don’t know how to resolve the issue, or my anxiety is keeping me from resolving it the right way. So instead, I ponder on it a million times every hour.

I also tend to talk on and on about it. I’ll talk about it with my friends, family members, and, my coworkers. I’ll even talk about it to myself when I’m alone.

I will find any way to bring it into any conversation as well. It’s almost like I need to talk about the problem to validate my feelings.

I expect people to tell me I’m not overreacting and that they see where I’m coming from.

Most of the time, people never feel the problem is as big of a deal as I think it is.

Which always points to anxiety, as being the main issue.

Anxiety makes most problems feel like they are impossible to solve and work through.

All your problems seem like they are the most important thing in the world, and it seems like facing each one, is the hardest battle you ever fought.

With anxiety, no amount of talking about something, thinking about it, is ever enough.

As of late, I’ve been trying to be more active with changing the anxious approach I take to dealing with my problems.

When I catch myself talking too much about the same thing or thinking about it too much, I stop and remind myself, that continuing to bring up a problem won’t solve it.

I’m not going to think my way out of a problem, I’m not going to talk my way out of it. Most times I just need to be bold enough to take the necessary action to make a change.

If I don’t like the way certain things are going at work, I need to address those issues with my boss. Not allow the issue to fester within me, and talk about it all day with my coworkers, because nothing will change.

Which is why, it’s so important to be disciplined with yourself in regards to how you handle your problems. It’s so easy to keep talking about the same thing over and over again because it feels nice to let it out.

Always talking about your problems can be a source of comfort for you, and not engaging in that can feel uncomfortable.

But if something isn’t working, be smart enough to not continuing doing it. You don’t want to continue the same patterns and habits that are getting you nowhere because they feel good. Taking action, is what will really make a difference in your life.

Speaking up for yourself in situations where something bothers you. Willing to be honest even when speaking the truth makes you uncomfortable. Doing things how you want to do them, and not how others want you to do them, is what’s important.

In this journey, you also have to be willing to be okay with not always making everyone happy.

When you begin to do those things (and yes it’s hard to do and will take time) you’ll start to see that there’s no need to talk about the same problem over and over again, because that alone resolves the issue.

Courage doesn’t happen when you have all the answers. It happens when you are ready to face the questions you have been avoiding your whole life

-Shannon L Alder

Understanding the Mother Wound in Motherless Children

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I often wonder if a wound is formed in some motherless children as soon as they are taken away from their mother, or past the initial separation. I contemplate if motherless children are emotionally aware that something is missing from the moment of separation, or, if the wound develops when they realize they don’t have a mother in their lives, but the majority of other kids do?

If the former is true, does it mean motherless children have an internal longing for a mother, even before they’re aware that many other people have mothers, but they don’t? And does that suggest that each child innately needs a mother in their life?

If the answer to these questions is yes, we have to consider how we see the relationship between a mother and a child. And, we should look further into the impact that being a motherless child has on an individual, as well as figuring out ways to best support motherless children.

The other perspective, which is based on the idea that a mother wound develops past separation, is a significant perspective to consider. If a mother wound does indeed develop past separation, how does this happen?

For one, there is the potential that the mother wound can develop in childhood, when children begin to realize the differences between themselves and others. A big part of being a child, is noticing differences between you and those around you. Sometimes you notice superficial differences, such as; they have a bigger house than I do, more clothes, or they get better grades.

At other times, you pick up on the bigger differences. Some which may consist of, a lot of my friends have a father around, but I don’t. Or, most of my friends live with their mom, but I don’t live with mine.

For some people, these realizations could lead to questioning. Many children may begin to ask themselves questions centered around why. Why am I different? Why am I missing something that many others around me have? Why doesn’t my mom live with me?

Subsequently, these questions may bring about confusion and insecurities. In many cases, when something is missing from our life, that most others have, it can begin to affect how we view ourselves. We can start to feel less than or undeserving because of the things we don’t have.

To further add onto the idea that a mother wound develops based on realizations which may lead to confusion and insecurities, there is also a chance a mother wound may form or be deepened by the influence of others. To understand this view point, we have to consider the integral part a mother holds in an individual’s life.

For many, mothers are a central part of their lives, particularly when growing up. In most cases, mothers tend to be the most active parent in a child’s life. They are seen as nurturing, kind, giving, and capable of giving a special love that only mothers can provide.

Mothers tend to know all the details of their children’s lives and their personalities. Many people believe there is nothing quite like a mother, and that in order to be raised the right way, children need a mother.

When you observe this way of thinking and you don’t have a mother, it may begin to impact you. Not having something that other people say you need, and is so important to who you are as a person, puts you in a perplexing state internally.

Some people do not know how to navigate these feelings of life without a mother, in part because many around them can not relate. It may also be hard for motherless people to know how they should feel if they were raised by caretakers who loved them greatly. They may feel they don’t have anything to be unhappy about because it’s not as though they were unloved.

Even with loving caretakers, for some there still remains a part of them that feels without. Not having a mother around can lead someone to feeling like they missed something they should have had, which may leave them feeling wounded.

Mother wounds may develop at different points for different people. For some it may be from separation, or for some past separation. Regardless of when it forms, it comes with difficulties. People who feel this wound, may feel alone in their feelings but this should not be the case, as there are others who can relate to them.

To better support people with mother wounds, we should be open to having conversations around the topic. Allowing people to share their stories, and their difficulties so we can better understand them.

Healing After Trauma: Embracing Renewal and Growth

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When you’ve gone through a traumatic event, it takes time to get to a normal mental, emotional, and physical state. Oftentimes, we want to get back to the person we were before the traumatic event, and we want to get there fast.

One of the key things to keep in mind, is that you don’t need to return to the exact person you were before the traumatic event. Instead, your focus should be on becoming a renewed version of yourself.

Focus on growing in areas you’re not as strong in, such as becoming someone who can handle problems in a more adept manner. Additionally, focus on becoming someone who can see their struggles from a more conducive perspective. For instance, if you tend to react very strongly to life events, you want to get to the place where you have a more balanced emotional reaction.

In the aftermath of a traumatic event, you may feel you like you are getting better very slowly. But it’s natural for healing to take time. Patience and willingness during this period of your life, is necessary.

Not putting too much emphasis on a specific timeline to feel better is important. You may have a better appetite 2-3 months after the event. However, you may still not get good sleep until many months later.

The less you worry about those things, the more those things will naturally come to you.

In order for the healing process to progress, you must continue to take the necessary steps, despite having feelings of frustration towards the pace of your progress.

Many people may battle having more social anxiety and not feeling like themselves in social situations after a traumatic event. It’s important to continue putting yourself out there, in spite of those feelings, because those actions will aide in your healing.

Furthermore, you have to be willing to do the uncomfortable. You may have to get a job even though you feel insecure about your capabilities. You may have to do some things on your own, despite not feeling ready.

Taking action is a necessary component of progress.

It’s also very important to find a support system. Having a support system whether it’s through work, family, friends, or mental health services, can help you through the aftermath. It can also motivate you to get better.

Ultimately, life after a traumatic event, may look different for you. It isn’t easy, and it can leave you feeling depressed, numb and hopeless. But remember to take the necessary actions towards healing, and give your body the grace and time to heal.

As time goes on, you’ll notice parts of yourself starting to come back slowly. You’ll notice things getting better little by little.

And, in due time, you will be pleasantly surprised at the renewed person you become.