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When Life Takes Many Unexpected Turns

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Children are dreamers. They have a mind filled with ideas and a huge imagination to go along with it. They grow up wanting to have and be so many different things. They go from wanting to be a teacher, to a doctor, to a firefighter, and everything else under the sun all in one day. Being a young child, makes all these things seem well within reach. But as a child one thing we often don’t consider, is the unexpectedness of life that gets in the way of the future playing out exactly as we imagined.

When I was 24 years old my father passed away from stage 4 cancer. The doctor told us he had 2 months to live a few days after Thanksgiving. This came as a surprise not only because it was right after the holiday, but because my father had been living with cancer for years and it seemed to be under control. Learning that my father was dying, was tough to deal with because my relationship with my father was quite special and I was still very young. I had never imagined my father dying in my 20’s and in my mind we still had so much more life to live together.

My father and I were deeply connected. He was the person I was more connected to than anyone else in life. As a child I remember walking by his room and thinking of how good he was to me and that alone brought me to tears. He was the person who I always relied on during my most painful moments and he prayed for me through my troubles. I always remember the power behind his prayers, as it was always so moving yet calming, and inspired me to have faith. My father was also my sole parent from age 9 to 17, so for much of my childhood it was just him and I.

The year he passed away was also the same year I was planning on getting my bachelors degree and beginning my career. At the time I was not sure what I wanted to do in life, just that I deeply wanted to help people in some way, which was a passion I got from my father. The weeks before my father’s imminent passing, I recall thinking (amongst many other things) dang, my dad won’t see me graduate college? Which to me was yet another experience that I would not have in this lifetime.

At this point I had gotten used to life’s disappointments (or so I thought) but they still hurt.

Along with my father not seeing me graduate, I thought of everything else he and I wouldn’t be able to experience due to his passing. He would miss out on seeing me getting married, he would miss out on meeting and grandfathering my children, and he wouldn’t see my future success. Growing up I had already missed out on many common childhood experiences in part because I did not have a mother around. I didn’t get the mother daughter connection, the mother daughter conversations, and even the mother daughter quarrels. 

Not growing up with a mother was unexpected and difficult to come to terms with, yet I had in mind that because of this early childhood hardship, life wouldn’t throw me many more curveballs. I figured it should be smooth sailing from here on out. This idea came from the innocent belief that life was somewhat fair, so if you had a hard childhood, you’d have an easier adulthood.

But I learned early on that this was not always the case. Life isn’t always somewhat fair even if you’ve had plenty of hardships. As a teenager that had proven to be true, but I had yet to truly figure that out, or perhaps truly accept it. The hopefulness that children have for life, still dwelled within me.

Having this mind and spirit that was full of possibilities and opportunities, meant that I had a lot of ideas for the future in mind. I was going to get everything I wanted, just the way I wanted. There was no other way.

So one day at 17 years old, I was sitting down on my bedroom floor, thinking just that. The tv was on but I wasn’t really paying attention. I was too caught up daydreaming. I had just returned from school, and was engaging in my day to day routine of sitting alone on my bedroom floor, imagining my future the way I wanted it, as I often did. At this age, I loved to listen to music and daydream. It was a form of escape. If I couldn’t have everything I wanted in the real world, at least I could have it in my daydreams.

On this particular day, I was thinking about my wedding. I imagined myself walking down the aisle in my white dress, and thinking of all the people that would be there watching me. My future husband of course. My dad especially, but not my mother. This was the time in my life, when I didn’t really have a relationship with my mother. So I imagined she wouldn’t be there. My daydreaming at this age was more realistic and mature, so I took into consideration the things I didn’t have. My mother not being at my wedding was a missing piece of my life, I had come to accept. My father being at my wedding seemed like a given at that time though. Of course he would be there, because why wouldn’t he be? He’s always there.

My lack of understanding or accepting the unexpectedness of life, lead me to believe that without a doubt my father would be at my wedding. Little did I know, my father unfortunately wouldn’t make it to meet a future boyfriend, let alone attend my wedding day. This was something that was very unexpected for me, as I had never imagined my early adulthood starting out like this.

Being so young and already having experienced so many ups and downs in life, began to make me feel unsettled, as I never knew what was coming next. I also dealt with the questions centered around why. Why is this is happening to me? Why does it seem like all of these hard things are happening to me, but not other people around me? Why isn’t it fair?

I know there are many people that find themselves in similar situations to mine and ask themselves similar questions. There are times in life, when not only do one or two big unexpected events happen, but it seems like they don’t stop happening. It’s one after the other, and it completely changes the vision you have for your future.

So as I reflect on all of the unexpected happenings in my life, I think of the many others who find themselves in a similar place. I think of the others in my life such as my family members and friends, who had an idea in mind for their future but it turned out much different than they expected.

Whether it was a career that did not go as planned, the loss of family members, or children who went astray, there are many people dealing with the unexpected events of life. Realizing it’s not just me, makes me feel less alone within my experience, but it also inspires me to see my life in a different way and guide others through their own experiences. 

In these situations, there are different paths a person can take. I do not have the perfect solution or all the best answers for exactly how one should react, and what they should do. But I can offer insight based on my own learnings in dealing with the unexpected.

First and foremost I have learned, to always remember you have a choice in how you proceed in life. You can allow what happened to you in your life, to stop you in your tracks. No more happiness. No more joy. Just existing. It’s important to remember that this is not something that happens on its own, but it’s something you choose to do. This could mean staying in a dissatisfying career, or deciding not to fulfill your dreams for life. It could also look like staying in the same place (physically, emotionally or mentally) for years despite feeling like you should no longer be there. This is an option that won’t move you forward.

At different points in my life I chose to take the option that would not move me forward because I was so taken aback and frustrated by the many unexpected turns my life had taken. It seemed like I could not catch a break. I justified going down that path because it seemed like nothing was going the way I imagined. I never imagined that I would grow up without a mom for a large portion of my childhood, and I never thought the man who raised me as a single father would die when I was 24. All of these things (and more) led me to give up on life’s possibilities.

But there was a turning point in my life. There was a moment I realized that there was still so much for me to do in this life. I was still alive, young, and there was so much of life I hadn’t experienced yet. Why would I rob myself of those experiences? I was still here for a reason and a purpose. This change in thinking, encouraged me to change paths, which meant making a different choice. I made a choice that I would still have a great life because I realized I deserved it. I thought about the young child I once was, and everything she wanted out of life and I realized that I could still give myself those things, and I should give myself those things. Even if this life was not the exact life I wanted or expected as a kid, it didn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. 

The latter option I chose, is an option anyone can choose. This is the option that moves you forward. This option means keeping your heart open to all of the possibilities life still has to offer. It means accepting what has happened to you in life and the fact that there will be certain things you won’t experience because of those happenings. You may never get to see your father at your wedding. Or have a relationship with your mother. These types of circumstances are all very difficult parts of life that are hard to come to terms with and may likely take time to fully accept. But the key is understanding that you can make peace with not having these things.

Making peace with not having certain things, doesn’t mean you won’t miss the people or the things you don’t have. But you accept it and allow yourself to still feel joy, contentment, happiness, and peace regardless of what is missing in your life. So in the end, you still choose to pursue the career you’ve always wanted, have children, explore the world, and do whatever else you desire.

You don’t have to allow the many unexpected curveballs in life to stop you from achieving, even when it seems like those curveballs are being thrown back to back. You should make the most out of the life you have and in the process of doing that, never forget the child you were. Remember those innocent ideas, the big imagination and the hopefulness. Remember the happiness and the joy you always wanted, and give yourself that.

First job

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Years ago, I got my first official job. I had wanted a job for a long time, but I mainly stuck to babysitting gigs and the like.

I had a lot of anxiety around getting a job, because of all the responsibilities I would be assigned.

I didn’t know whether or not I would be able to meet all of those expectations, so I kept pushing it off.

But eventually I got a job, and in the beginning it was a very interesting experience.

Let’s just say, after the first week I already wanted to quit. I felt overwhelmed and anxious, because I felt like I couldn’t complete the tasks well.

And despite people telling me that I was doing okay, I still felt insecure about my capabilities.

I didn’t like the structure and environment of the job either, so that didn’t make things any better.

The day I decided I was going to quit, I spoke to my manager and she told me two things.

One, that it is natural to be uncomfortable in the beginning, and that I would eventually get the hang of it.

And two, she told me to give it at least another week to see if my feelings would change.

At first, I was hesitant to do so because I felt like I already hated the job so much, so I didn’t think anything was really going to change.

But I reluctantly decided to stay anyway.

And surprisingly, making the decision to stay at my job another week, was something that helped me grow and learn tremendously in the long run.

For one, I learned that you have to give things time, even when they’re hard.

It’s natural for us to want to quit when things are hard because it’s uncomfortable, but you have to give yourself a chance to get used to new things & to get comfortable with them.

Second, I learned that things do get better even when you can’t see it.

Initially, I could not see my job getting better at all. There were so many things I felt I was bad at, and I hated feeling like I was failing.

But, when I stayed, I realized the job was not as bad as it seemed like it was in the first few weeks, and I was able to get the hang of a lot of things.

And third, I learned how to take on job responsibilities and meet those expectations that I was scared I wouldn’t be able to meet.

A lot of times we don’t do things out of fear that we won’t meet certain expectations. We don’t want to get embarrassed, we fear rebuke, and we don’t want to feel bad about ourselves.

But in order to grow, you must accept new responsibilities and learn how to meet reasonable expectations, which is what I ended up being able to do as time went on.

Ultimately, learning these things not only helped me throughout my job, but it helped me throughout life.

I now apply these lessons and the many other lessons I learned at that job, to my everyday life, and I consider them whenever I get discouraged about my capabilities.

Why Families Lack Motivation

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Motivation is something we all need. To pursue our passions, our dreams. We need to be motivated to do so.

We think of individuals being motivated in their own ways and for different reasons. But we don’t always consider motivation in families.

We don’t consider why in some families almost everyone reaches a level of success in their lives, but in other families everyone pretty much remains stagnant.

In these instances, it’s not just one individual in the family that lacks motivation, but the entire family does as well.

This lack of motivation can happen for a number of reasons, and one of them is because of influence. When you live in a household with other people, you all influence one another. The influence may not be always be obvious, but it is still occurring.

Influence happens because people look to others to see what they should and should not be doing. Even when they shouldn’t.

As families we tend to do the same, so we copy and follow one another as a result. We participate in the same activities, we watch each other, we like the same things, so we become heavily influenced to engage in similar behaviors, good and bad.

Once we start being influenced by people it becomes easy to copy them without even thinking about why.

So when you see people around you working at jobs they don’t like, you’ll likely do the same.

When people around you don’t show ambition it will influence you to not be ambitious either. When you see people settling, it’ll make you feel okay with settling too. 

As a family its easy to get lost in our everyday lives & not look at our lives from the outside. We don’t realize how unmotivated we are because we get used to the same old same old, and continue to go on doing those things.

When we see the reality of many people’s lives in our family, we also take on their feelings about life which can further contribute to a lack of motivation.

Education

Moreover, the education a family receives impacts their motivation as well.

When we aren’t well educated that may make us insecure about our capabilities. So instead of challenging ourselves & risking embarrassment, we decide to do what comes easy for us.   

If it’s what everyone in our family has done and is doing, we will likely follow in those footsteps.

Challenging People

In order to be motivated we also need people to challenge us in our lives. Not all of us grow up in families that challenge one another. If we are not challenged we won’t see the need to move further up in life or even know it’s a possibility. 

We reach for what we see others reaching for around us because that’s all we know. 

Embarrassment

Furthermore, fear of embarrassment or being shamed by others around us causes us to lack motivation as well. If we try to do something that people around us don’t do we may fear what they’ll think of us, so we don’t even make an attempt to do things differently.

We see ourselves as those around us see us.

Conversations

Motivation also comes from our conversations. Do we uplift one another with our words? 

If you grow up in family that talks about how you are incapable of being successful, it will influence you to see yourself in that way. You will only see the things you do bad, and not the things you do good.

My Household

In my case, I grew up in a household that was not very strict on education. This was not a bad thing completely, but it made it harder for me to want to do my school work because no one in my household really held me accountable for it.

So that influenced me to not really take school seriously.

As I got older it was hard for me in college because I wasn’t used to structure when it came to school. I also did not have much motivation to go to college & complete it because no one around me really pushed me.

These aspects of my life impacted my overall motivation to pursue my passions.

How to Motivate Each Other

So motivation not only comes from within, but it also comes from the people we are around. We all influence one another by our actions which is why it’s important to be aware of ourselves.

It’s important to realize that in a family dynamic there will be a lot of following one another & each other’s paths.

To see a change in our families, we need to start challenging our family members in every area of their lives & allowing our family members to challenge us.

If we see our family members slacking off too much, encourage them to be more disciplined.

If we notice someone has a gift that they are not pursuing, help them realize that, and assist them on their journey to pursuing it.

We also need to motivate one another to go further in life & seek out our passions.

It’s not just movie stars and musicians who can do significant things, any of us can.

We need to encourage our family members to seek out an education as well, and to be ambitious while doing so.

An education gives people the knowledge they need, to pursue their passions.

It’s also important to uplift our family by using encouraging words, so they know they not only realize their capabilities, but go after what they want as well.

It’s so important that we need motivate our family by highlighting their strengths, and encouraging them to work hard to get to where they want to be. We should also strive to be an example for them by working hard to reach our own goals and going after our own passions.

Blogging Changed My Life

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Starting a blog has been a transformative experience for me. I always enjoyed writing, but being able to share my writing with others has made my life much more fulfilling. I enjoy being able to express myself, and being able to reach people through my self-expression. It makes me feel like I am moving towards making a difference in the world by sharing my stories and my thoughts with others. I love being able to make connections with people through my writings, and making people feel like they are not alone in what they go through. I ultimately want my blog to be a place where everyone feels like they can find something they relate to and also be a place of encouragement.

Controlling People

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Why I Had A Hard Time Liking People

So many people talk about how they hate people or don’t like people, and I used to think in a similar way.

The reason I was that way (and why I suspect a lot of other people are that way), had to do with the fact that I was constantly trying to control people. So there was always an internal conflict going on whenever I interacted with them.

I didn’t like the way someone reacted to what I said, I didn’t like the fact that they disagreed with me, I felt like they didn’t understand me exc.

And, I wanted them to see me how I felt they should see me.

I wanted them to be impressed by me, and think I was cool.

So I’d get frustrated with people because they never acted how I wanted them to, or believed they should.

And they didn’t know the things I thought they should (and I didn’t have the patience to teach them).

So instead of actually interacting & engaging with people, I’d just sit at home and daydream, and imagine people the way I wanted them to be.

Or, I’d watch movies or read books and live through that, because that fit more into my idea of how I wanted people to be.

Acceptance

When I began to accept that people are who they are regardless of who you want them to be, or who you believe they should be, it allowed me to enjoy people more.

I began to take myself off that God-like pedestal and realized people are enough.

Not everything and everyone has to be what I consider perfect, because I’m not that either.

Sometimes we think we are so smart and so good, that we can’t even see outside of ourselves.

And it’s funny, because a lot of us pride ourselves on being empathetic but at the same time we can’t stand to be around other people.

We judge people all the time and are so critical and impatient with others.

The Reality

But, there’s really no need to try to control people because that’s not our job. We are not Gods and people are not our creations.

We have to learn to be patient with people and see people the way we want to be seen.

The “I hate people” thing primarily comes from a place of wanting to control people and our frustration with our lack of control over people.

When you try to control people it exhausts you, and oftentimes does not work.

So ultimately, we have to begin to move past that notion so we can grow strong bonds with one another, outside of the principle of control.

The Other Side of Grief

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Sometimes grief can feel so lonely, because it feels like so many people are on the other side. But truthfully, I’m so happy for those people who don’t know loss like I do. I want them to stay on the other side for as long as possible.

I want them to laugh in a way that knows no loss. I want them to feel that lightness & not the heaviness that grief brings. I want them to continue to live without the worry & anxiety of loss. I want them to continue living in that joy.

I want their innocence to remain, because that’s a beautiful place to be.

Change

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The more you begin to understand other people and yourself, you will likely begin to see why certain methods of teaching people don’t lead to true change. You will see how much time it takes for people to change their ways, and that it’s not as simple as it seems.

When your expectations of people don’t align with the reality of how humans are, it will frustrate you, cause you to be dislike them, and be disappointed and angry with them.

When teaching people, you have to take into consideration the fact that humans have limitations and that certain things are not possible for them.

Humans cannot fly, and we don’t expect them to. We’re not angry about it because we know it’s not possible. The same thing should go for how you expect people to truly change. You can’t expect things from people that are not possible for them.

The reality of people truly changing is that they need to see how their lives are being negatively affected by something before they make a change. Words alone don’t do enough. It’s easy to tell people things like “don’t litter because it’s bad” but what does that mean to them & for them? How are they seeing the impact of littering or whatever other unruly behavior they engage in, within their lives that matters to them?

People must see the negative impact in their life and come to the conclusion that it is best to change on their own, regardless of how long it takes.

Improving my Community

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Improving our communities is very important for our growth as a society. To improve our communities, we need to work on making them more social. So many of us are isolated and we work, go home, and rarely spend time with our loved ones. There are so many people that want and need friends, so encouraging people to be more social would help people make more friends. If people are more social it would also encourage people to do more work in their community such as volunteering and the like, which is also something our communities need more of.

jealousy

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Jealousy is a natural emotion that many of us feel from time to time. It’s heavily looked down upon, which is why it’s not talked about or acknowledged enough. We may be jealous of people we don’t know, but see through social media, or family and friends.

Jealousy is not just displayed in grand ways, it’s the little moments too. It can be a forced smile after a friend told you they got a well-paying job while you’re living paycheck to paycheck. Or it’s the little pang you feel in your chest that you mentally tell yourself is wrong, or that you mentally deny feeling at all.

But why is that a big deal? Why does jealousy need to be acknowledged if it can be denied?

Because jealousy impacts our connection to ourselves and to others. It causes us to feel shame and it leads us to hiding our true emotions and feelings.

Have you ever had a friend that made you feel inferior, and you never got why? That may have been jealousy. They never said it because it’s wrong, but they still felt how they felt, and it impacted your relationship.

So yes, jealousy is wrong, but it’s natural. You first have to be honest with yourself about the jealousy you feel, and then you can begin to move away from the emotion. You have to accept that you’re human and a part of being human is experiencing human emotions, and jealousy is one of them. You don’t need to shame yourself for it, but instead acknowledge it and work through those emotions in the moment.