There is no one way to be a motherless daughter. It is an experience based on how a woman or a girl perceives her relationship with her mother. Some women and girls may consider themselves motherless if they didn’t grow up with their mother. For others, it could be because they have a complicated or unhealthy relationship with theirs. And for still others, it’s because their mother passed away.

Being a motherless daughter for any reason, and for any period of time, is an interesting experience. I use the word interesting because of the significant impact being a motherless daughter can have on someone’s life. To fully understand the unique experience of motherless daughters, you have to take into account the experience of being a woman and a girl in this world, as that is a unique experience in and of itself.

The way you grow up as a girl, the way you’re seen and treated, is different from boys and men. People perceive you in many false ways and being weaker is one of them. Not only may they perceive you as weaker but they may treat you as such. You may often hear people saying things like “you won’t be good at that because you’re a girl” or something similar to that. These types of false perceptions and unfair ways of being treated cause many girls to struggle with realizing their full potential. 

Women and girls not only deal with false perceptions but they face more pressure to look and act in particular ways. People tend to have this idea that girls should always look polished and behave perfectly. There’s very little room for mistakes in a girl’s world. Growing up without a woman to guide you through these experiences can heighten them and make you feel alone within them.

Having been a motherless daughter for a period of time, I have quite a few experiences that came about in part from not having a mother around. In particular, I recall growing up and always feeling like I had to have my hair done. I never felt like I could go to school without it in a style. Growing up as a Black girl in the early 2000’s meant you could not leave the house without either straight hair, a weave, or braids. Wearing your natural coils was not considered a suitable style. Not having a mother to pour into me and make me feel beautiful with my coily hair regardless of society’s pressure and ideals made it more difficult for me to be happy with my hair.

For many girls, their mother not only pours into them to block out the world’s perceptions and pressures but she is their primary source of leadership. Someone is treating you differently because you’re a girl? She’s there, she’ll tell you just how to handle it. You’re confused about how to deal with puberty? She’s there and she’s been through it, she’ll help you figure it out. You need someone to do your hair or teach you how to do it? She’s there, she’ll do it and teach you during the process. 

So when a girl has to navigate this world without a mother, how do they do it? Who do motherless daughters look up to? Who do they look to when they are discriminated against? Who do they look to in order to tell them how they should look after themselves and handle things like periods and hormonal changes?

In my experience, I had to navigate these situations somewhat alone. Even though I had an older sister (who I cannot forget and am forever grateful for) it was still hard. My older sister helped guide me through life as a girl but she was my sister and was learning life on her own as well. She was not my mother so she could not be everything I needed, nor should she have been because that was not her role.

So being somewhat alone in these types of situations lead to wishful thinking and many awkward experiences. For instance, I would imagine how nice it would be to have a mother who I could try out different hairstyles with, or who could do my hair last minute if I needed it. But that was not my reality. Not having a mother who could do my hair meant every other weekend going to a hairstylist to get my hair done. Instead of having someone do my hair who I felt close with and trusted, I was sometimes in uncomfortable places with people I didn’t know.

There were also instances when I really just wanted a mother’s love, attention, and affection. I just wanted a mother who I could go to and tell her about my days at school, who I could go to for advice, and receive their love during difficult moments.

So it’s the little experiences and big experiences that stick out to you when you don’t have a mother. All the things that could be but aren’t. 

These perceptions, pressures, and the lack of guidance and help from a mother are only some of the many difficulties and complexities that come about from being a motherless daughter. These issues are things that people with mothers may never even think about because the alternative doesn’t occur to them. As a result, the hardships motherless daughters face are unknown by many with mothers.

So to offer support, I encourage people to consider the motherless daughters around them. Consider the young girl who only lives with her father. Consider the girls and women who do not have good relationships with their mother. And consider the girl or woman who lost hers. 

Think of the ways you can give your love and time to them. It could be based on something you’ve gone through yourself or a skill you have. It could look like teaching them how to deal with the changes of growing up or how to do their own hair. Or it could be guiding them through the perceptions and pressures they face growing up as a girl and being a woman in this world. 

And even if you feel like you have nothing to offer, it doesn’t mean you can’t support them. You’d be surprised at the ways motherless daughters are looking for support that you may be able to provide. You should not hesitate to ask them how you can support them so they can receive help in the ways they need.

Whatever you can do, you should do, because for many girls and women it would mean the world to have someone help fill in the pieces they are missing without having a mother around.

For my dear readers who are motherless daughters, what is something you would like people to know about your experience, and in what ways can people best give their support? 

And to my curious readers who came across this article to learn more about motherless daughters and ways to offer support: I appreciate your time and consideration to be willing to learn about an experience unfamiliar to your own. It is people like you who seek to understand and support those with different experiences from their own who make a difference in our world. So I thank you.