Children are dreamers. They have a mind filled with ideas and a huge imagination to go along with it. They grow up wanting to have and be so many different things. They go from wanting to be a teacher, to a doctor, to a firefighter, and everything else under the sun all in one day. Being a young child, makes all these things seem well within reach. But as a child one thing we often don’t consider, is the unexpectedness of life that gets in the way of the future playing out exactly as we imagined.

When I was 24 years old my father passed away from stage 4 cancer. The doctor told us he had 2 months to live a few days after Thanksgiving. This came as a surprise not only because it was right after the holiday, but because my father had been living with cancer for years and it seemed to be under control. Learning that my father was dying, was tough to deal with because my relationship with my father was quite special and I was still very young. I had never imagined my father dying in my 20’s and in my mind we still had so much more life to live together.

My father and I were deeply connected. He was the person I was more connected to than anyone else in life. As a child I remember walking by his room and thinking of how good he was to me and that alone brought me to tears. He was the person who I always relied on during my most painful moments and he prayed for me through my troubles. I always remember the power behind his prayers, as it was always so moving yet calming, and inspired me to have faith. My father was also my sole parent from age 9 to 17, so for much of my childhood it was just him and I.

The year he passed away was also the same year I was planning on getting my bachelors degree and beginning my career. At the time I was not sure what I wanted to do in life, just that I deeply wanted to help people in some way, which was a passion I got from my father. The weeks before my father’s imminent passing, I recall thinking (amongst many other things) dang, my dad won’t see me graduate college? Which to me was yet another experience that I would not have in this lifetime.

At this point I had gotten used to life’s disappointments (or so I thought) but they still hurt.

Along with my father not seeing me graduate, I thought of everything else he and I wouldn’t be able to experience due to his passing. He would miss out on seeing me getting married, he would miss out on meeting and grandfathering my children, and he wouldn’t see my future success. Growing up I had already missed out on many common childhood experiences in part because I did not have a mother around. I didn’t get the mother daughter connection, the mother daughter conversations, and even the mother daughter quarrels. 

Not growing up with a mother was unexpected and difficult to come to terms with, yet I had in mind that because of this early childhood hardship, life wouldn’t throw me many more curveballs. I figured it should be smooth sailing from here on out. This idea came from the innocent belief that life was somewhat fair, so if you had a hard childhood, you’d have an easier adulthood.

But I learned early on that this was not always the case. Life isn’t always somewhat fair even if you’ve had plenty of hardships. As a teenager that had proven to be true, but I had yet to truly figure that out, or perhaps truly accept it. The hopefulness that children have for life, still dwelled within me.

Having this mind and spirit that was full of possibilities and opportunities, meant that I had a lot of ideas for the future in mind. I was going to get everything I wanted, just the way I wanted. There was no other way.

So one day at 17 years old, I was sitting down on my bedroom floor, thinking just that. The tv was on but I wasn’t really paying attention. I was too caught up daydreaming. I had just returned from school, and was engaging in my day to day routine of sitting alone on my bedroom floor, imagining my future the way I wanted it, as I often did. At this age, I loved to listen to music and daydream. It was a form of escape. If I couldn’t have everything I wanted in the real world, at least I could have it in my daydreams.

On this particular day, I was thinking about my wedding. I imagined myself walking down the aisle in my white dress, and thinking of all the people that would be there watching me. My future husband of course. My dad especially, but not my mother. This was the time in my life, when I didn’t really have a relationship with my mother. So I imagined she wouldn’t be there. My daydreaming at this age was more realistic and mature, so I took into consideration the things I didn’t have. My mother not being at my wedding was a missing piece of my life, I had come to accept. My father being at my wedding seemed like a given at that time though. Of course he would be there, because why wouldn’t he be? He’s always there.

My lack of understanding or accepting the unexpectedness of life, lead me to believe that without a doubt my father would be at my wedding. Little did I know, my father unfortunately wouldn’t make it to meet a future boyfriend, let alone attend my wedding day. This was something that was very unexpected for me, as I had never imagined my early adulthood starting out like this.

Being so young and already having experienced so many ups and downs in life, began to make me feel unsettled, as I never knew what was coming next. I also dealt with the questions centered around why. Why is this is happening to me? Why does it seem like all of these hard things are happening to me, but not other people around me? Why isn’t it fair?

I know there are many people that find themselves in similar situations to mine and ask themselves similar questions. There are times in life, when not only do one or two big unexpected events happen, but it seems like they don’t stop happening. It’s one after the other, and it completely changes the vision you have for your future.

So as I reflect on all of the unexpected happenings in my life, I think of the many others who find themselves in a similar place. I think of the others in my life such as my family members and friends, who had an idea in mind for their future but it turned out much different than they expected.

Whether it was a career that did not go as planned, the loss of family members, or children who went astray, there are many people dealing with the unexpected events of life. Realizing it’s not just me, makes me feel less alone within my experience, but it also inspires me to see my life in a different way and guide others through their own experiences. 

In these situations, there are different paths a person can take. I do not have the perfect solution or all the best answers for exactly how one should react, and what they should do. But I can offer insight based on my own learnings in dealing with the unexpected.

First and foremost I have learned, to always remember you have a choice in how you proceed in life. You can allow what happened to you in your life, to stop you in your tracks. No more happiness. No more joy. Just existing. It’s important to remember that this is not something that happens on its own, but it’s something you choose to do. This could mean staying in a dissatisfying career, or deciding not to fulfill your dreams for life. It could also look like staying in the same place (physically, emotionally or mentally) for years despite feeling like you should no longer be there. This is an option that won’t move you forward.

At different points in my life I chose to take the option that would not move me forward because I was so taken aback and frustrated by the many unexpected turns my life had taken. It seemed like I could not catch a break. I justified going down that path because it seemed like nothing was going the way I imagined. I never imagined that I would grow up without a mom for a large portion of my childhood, and I never thought the man who raised me as a single father would die when I was 24. All of these things (and more) led me to give up on life’s possibilities.

But there was a turning point in my life. There was a moment I realized that there was still so much for me to do in this life. I was still alive, young, and there was so much of life I hadn’t experienced yet. Why would I rob myself of those experiences? I was still here for a reason and a purpose. This change in thinking, encouraged me to change paths, which meant making a different choice. I made a choice that I would still have a great life because I realized I deserved it. I thought about the young child I once was, and everything she wanted out of life and I realized that I could still give myself those things, and I should give myself those things. Even if this life was not the exact life I wanted or expected as a kid, it didn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. 

The latter option I chose, is an option anyone can choose. This is the option that moves you forward. This option means keeping your heart open to all of the possibilities life still has to offer. It means accepting what has happened to you in life and the fact that there will be certain things you won’t experience because of those happenings. You may never get to see your father at your wedding. Or have a relationship with your mother. These types of circumstances are all very difficult parts of life that are hard to come to terms with and may likely take time to fully accept. But the key is understanding that you can make peace with not having these things.

Making peace with not having certain things, doesn’t mean you won’t miss the people or the things you don’t have. But you accept it and allow yourself to still feel joy, contentment, happiness, and peace regardless of what is missing in your life. So in the end, you still choose to pursue the career you’ve always wanted, have children, explore the world, and do whatever else you desire.

You don’t have to allow the many unexpected curveballs in life to stop you from achieving, even when it seems like those curveballs are being thrown back to back. You should make the most out of the life you have and in the process of doing that, never forget the child you were. Remember those innocent ideas, the big imagination and the hopefulness. Remember the happiness and the joy you always wanted, and give yourself that.